Until this weekend I have been able to distract myself from the overwhelming loneliness I am drowning in. The ironic part is that this weekend I had two college friends in town. I should have been excited and energetic, I was hoping I could recapture who I was when I knew them. Instead, I was revealed to them as the me who I was before college. I have lost the happiest version of myself.
A new mother isn't supposed to miss the life she had two years ago. She isn't supposed to say that her time with her baby is bittersweet. Every baby book I've read has a chapter on healthy marriages/relationships, it is a given that every couple will transform when they become parents. It would be different if D was here - but he's not - and I'm not able to enjoy every moment, I just handle it the best I can.
A military wife is never supposed to complain, not to friends or family and certainly never to her husband. Thank God for Snarky's "Feeling Down? Well! You're a ******* Loser" when I can't talk at least I can read and chuckle.
Back at home I am a wallflower, the awkward, un-social older sister. I have three friends from high school who I still talk to, only one who I am really close with. I could say the being pregnant made it difficult to go out and make friends when I moved home last year, but that would just be a cheap cover.
You can go home again. Coming home during D’s deployments was by far the best possibility in my range of choices. If you’re lucky, your family will be as supportive as mine. Just know that when you do go home again, you won’t be the only one who finds that you have left yourself behind.
Sorry, I should have warned you that this wasn't a Democratic Party pride post.
Melissa, I liked your post. With experiences comes wisdom and I see you are becoming a bit more wise.
ReplyDeleteIt is perfectly acceptable and even healthy to miss your previous life. It means you had a good previous life. It takes a while to grow into another person or role. If you are uncomfortable it means you are changing and growing and that is not bad.
Even if D were with you it would not be any different. No one can be happy 100% of the time. I have to point out that if everything was wonderful all the time then wonderful would be the norm and you would have nothing to look forward to.
As for losing the happiest version of yourself I think that happens to everyone and I don't know why. Even thou people may be very happy it is hard to capture that youthful exuberance. If you ever figure out how to get it back let me know. It probably involves alcohol:).
Uncle Dave